Maybe there is hope?

I took her to the vet and they are going to put her on some steroids and an antibiotic.  The Vet seems to think that the ataxia and tumor are unrelated, but he will put a call into the specialist and discuss it.  I am crossing my fingers for an improvement, even if only for a brief time.

Bella did eat today, but from a paper plate.  I don't know what the aversion to metal bowls is all about, but whatevah.  My girl ate!  :) 

Charlie is crazy and Austin smells.  I mean, in case anyone wanted an update on my other dogs.  I did take Charles out for a 2 mile walk and Austin will get a bath tomorrow.  My cats are great.  Mowgie is a pain, but she is still a sweet cat.  KC is becoming quite affectionate towards me and will even crawl under the covers like Rhaja used to.  Still, No one is Rhaja and no one ever can be.

I was asked today whose loss would hurt me the most.  Bella or Rhaja?  That is a tough one, as they both have been huge staples in my life.  Rhaja as my comfort and Bella as my rock. 

Uhh...I don't want to think about it anymore.  I still miss you Rhaja. 

Man's best friend?

What an understatement. 

I am getting really depressed.  Bella needed to be hand fed tonight.  That isn't good.  I want to talk to someone about her, but then again, I don't.  My Dad thinks he knows everything about her.  My Mom can't hear half of what I am trying to say and I don't want to bother my friends.  I know that is what friends are for, but they are all busy.  They have kids and jobs and I don't want to bother them all by crying.  I wish I could talk to M, but I can't do that either.  I just want to cry, cry and then cry some more.  I am not this strong person.  I might claim to be one, but I'm not.  I just want to lay on the floor, hold Bella and cry.   She has been so good to me. 

Oh my...what I am supposed to do?   When will I have to say goodbye?  What if I make it too soon?  What if I wait too long?  Will she tell me?  Will God tell me?  Is she telling me now?

Is this what we all go through? No wonder some people wait so long to euthanize their pets.  It seems so obvious to us, but they don't want to say goodbye.  She isn't going to the bathroom on herself.  She is getting up and moving around, but whatever.

Bella- We were supposed to have more time together.  You were supposed to teach Charlie your wise ways!  He was supposed to learn from the best dog ever.  Duh.  

I am going to take her to work with me tomorrow and have the vet look at her.  I will then report back to my family.  Should we have to make a decision, this weekend will not be a good one. I am going to a memorial for my Great Aunt and I refuse to be that sad.  I am already sad over my Aunt Imy and I can't deal with Bella at the same time.  Selfish, but I don't care. I will also ask for the vet to do this before or after office hours and I want to be off the next day. I want my whole family to attend and be with her.

I am very much attached to my pets.  Get over it.

How do you say goodbye to the best dog ever?

Is it even possible?  I have known for a few months that Bella would be gone, but I really second guessed the whole"months" part.  She has been doing so well for so long!  The past three days?  Well, I can really tell a difference.  Her eye is more droopy, she has a clogged nostril and her back legs are giving out on her.  She hasn't seemed too interested in her food and she isn't always at the door to greet me.  She always greets me.  Without Bella, I don't know what I will do.  She has been my strength for 8 years.  I have to be strong for her.  I can't let her live a sad life, but I selfishly want to keep her here.  I know it's not time right now, but I know that it's coming up so much closer than I want it to. With the way she has gone down, it might be weeks.  I have had months to prepare myself, but I'm just not ready.  I don't want her to suffer and I hope I will have the strength to do this.  It seems so much easier when it's someone else and someone else's dog.  This is MY dog.  My baby. I always write about what a great dog she is and always has been and she really has been.  She never ate my clothes or my shoes.  She only had accidents in the house when she was a puppy (and I was lazy).  She never just barked because she could.  She was easily crate trained and trained in general.  She was a great puppy that turned into the BEST dog.      

Why does someone want my pets?  Why do they have to be taken away from me?  I am not ready.  I guess I really lucked out with Rhaja.  She did live for a long time and I got to spend half of my life with her.  But Bella is only 8.  I missed the first 8 months and then, three years.  Stupid Florida. 

Pita was only 6.  We missed the first two years of her life.  She was taken way too early for sure.

Bella,

I love you.   I will make sure you have your diginity when you go and I will not let you suffer.  I promise you that.  You have given me unconditional love for 8 years and I will never forget that.  You have set a really high standard.  :)

Love,
Momma