Another year almost finished

Well, this year is almost done and I lost another pet.  I really, really hope that I don't lose one next year.  They are all young and healthy, so I am crossing my fingers all will be good.  My Parents got a new dog.  He is a golden and about 8 months old.  His name is Abner and he is a really sweet boy.  He and Charlie are the best of friends and play so well together.

I am still missing Bella.  I think about her all the time.  I am still upset that I haven't "seen" her yet.  I worry that means she isn't ok or she hasn't made it to Rainbow bridge. 

Also, this month marked two years since my Pita passed.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Sadly, that also means it has almost been two years since I left my house.  I really, really miss my house.  M and I had some great plans for the backyard...  Oh well.  It's over and done.  I live where I live with my roommates and that is that. 

I plan on having roommates for one more year and then I am out.  I just need an additional job or a significant raise.  I really like to be alone.  I hope I don't become a hermit.  I have noticed that I come home and go straight to my room.  I rarely stay in the kitchen or living room because that means I would have to be social.  I have started backing out of plans with friends just so I can stay home. 

This year, that will all stop.  I don't normally make resolutions, but this year, I will.  I have goals and other things I would like to accomplish.  Like, oh, I don't know...Get divorced?  Yeah, I think the hubster and I will have to have that finalized.  I don't know if I will ever date again, but oh well.  If I don't date, I can't get hurt.  I have had my heartbroken twice and that is enough for me.

I will NOT get any pets in 2011. 

I will continue to run in 2011.  Depending on my schedule, I might participate in races!

I will start yoga again.

I will have my credit cards paid off.

I will make plans with Friends and actually keep them!

I want to save money, but I want to take some mini vacations.  I have friends in Florida that I haven't seen in almost 4 years and one of my best friends lives in Colorado and I really want to get there to see her.

I will be more proactive regarding my mental and physical health.

That is about it for now.  Parts of this post stressed me and almost made me cry.  I vented, deleted and started over.  Hopefully, it all makes sense.  I don't care so much about the flow.

Have a wonderful New Years!

A month

A full month has passed and I'm still here.  I didn't die from crying and I can breathe without my girl.   It still sucks, though.

Anyway- Today is Charlie's first birthday!!  My boy is doing great!  We go running at least three times a week and he is doing so much better! I owe much of that to the pinch collar he got for his early b-day present.  He is so smart and just wants to learn, so I love that.  However, he does some really dumb stuff once in a while. 

I'm really at a loss today.  I want to talk about Charlie and how proud I am of him.  I want to talk about the golden puppy I am taking care of and my cats, but eh... Maybe later.

Being on here just reminds me of all the pets I have lost.  I think I just need more time.  I'm not a pathetically depressed person or anything.  I just lost two of the most important pets of my life within a year and while I love all the ones I currently have, we don't have that some bond, yet.  Don't misunderstand me.  I would be devastated if I lost any of them.  Just devastated.. I just..I don't know. 15 years with a cat and bond with a dog that I have never had  before...it's just different. I know that I will someday reach that point with these kiddo's...Maybe not Mogie.  Just kidding.  :) I love that naughty little cat, too.

Happy birthday Charlie!!  I love you! 

Bella, I can't believe it's been a month.  One month and one day.  I can still hear you.  I just haven't dreamt of you yet and I hope that you are OK.  I always have a dream of my babies once they pass. I saw Rhaja multiple times and I always just meant that they were OK.  Maybe Bella is too busy with Pita or Rhaja. 

One more for Pita

Dear Pita,

 I missed you today, poopers.  I was going through the collection of dog clothes and I came across your purple argyle sweater.  You were so cute in it. Oh my little stinker!!  I miss your cute little face and stubby legs!! Thank you so much for allowing me to fall in love with such a wonderful breed and I thank your Daddy for picking you out! I know that you have shown Bella all around and now she is back to taking care of you and looking after you.

I ask one favor of you, please don't take anymore of my babies for a long time.  You, Bella and Rhaja are all together, so please enjoy that time for years and years. 

Love and kisses,
Momma

Leadership fail

Apparently, Bella passed along the "CHASE KC" trait to Charlie.  That whole time I thought she must have been passing on her wise ways.  Nope.  He instead stares at one of my cats and then chases her under the bed....just like Bella.

Charlie and I are still running.  We are currently on week six of the Couch to 5k and are doing very well. I didn't take him on Tuesday and I am not taking him with me on Thursday.  Running without him is very weird.  He and I were very attached the weeks after Bella's death and it's like running without an arm. Possible, but feels weird.

Running has been great for me mentally and I think I am finally starting to sleep better!  I have not slept well in over two years, pretty much since M and I separated.  I had to start sleeping alone for the first time in 5 years or so and that was just weird.  Plus, I'm a pretty light sleeper and the pets would wake me up a lot.  It's a different bed, different room, different spot on the bed.  I now sleep in the middle or the left side.  Depends on the dogs.  I am ready to get my new bed and a new place.  A new place all to myself!

I'm currently hunting for a new apartment, but I don't know where to live.  Close to my family or close to work??  I think that by having my own space, I will be even better mentally.  I am so crowded with my currently living situation that I feel trapped and stressed out.  I don't need more stress. Work does that enough for me.

One week and one day

I am still devastated.  I miss her.  It's hard to come home and know that she isn't there to greet me.  I can still hear her bark at Charlie and Austin for being annoying.  I know she is better.  I know she is OK, but I'm not.  I get a little better every day, but I still have moments. 

I run now.  I run to help heal the pain and hurt i am feeling.  I run to clear my mind and to get some me time.  I take Charlie and he likes it.  It's exercise for both of us and let's face it, I need it.   He has still been pretty good. 

Someday, this will get easier.

Beautiful words for my beautiful girl

"He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me... whenever... wherever - in case I need him. And I expect I will - as I always have. He is just my dog."
(Gene Hill)

The few days before Bella's goodbye, I noticed she laid in front of Charlie's crate with her head next to his.  I wonder if she was passing on her wisdom.  If she was, it hasn't worked. :) I will say that Charlie was as good as gold that Sunday.  Didn't leave my side, didn't bother the cats or my parents dog, didn't bark like usual.  Dogs are definitely tuned in to us.  He earned himself a few trips to the dog park and oodles of treats. 

Oh, Bella.  You changed my world and showed me true devotion and love.  You have truly set the standards for a perfect dog.  Charlie, my lovely boy, you have some mighty big shoes to fill.

I received her ashes back today. My work surprised me and had a pawprint made for me. I was upset because we didn't have any at work and I didn't think about it.  I have one for Pita and Rhaja, so having one for Bella makes me happy.  I would much rather have her.... But, I know she is better.  I guess my Guardian Angel needed a guardian. 

She's gone

I had to say goodbye to my best girl yesterday.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot.  The 10th is not becoming a good day for me.

I know

I know that the end is near, but I don't know when I will be ready.  She is having good days and she is having bad days.  I was gone for a few days and now that I am home?  She is good.  My Dad said she was good while I was gone.

Bella has been every bit the family dog.  While she was true to me, she was protective, watchful and loving to everyone.  This is going to tear out a piece of my heart.

Maybe there is hope?

I took her to the vet and they are going to put her on some steroids and an antibiotic.  The Vet seems to think that the ataxia and tumor are unrelated, but he will put a call into the specialist and discuss it.  I am crossing my fingers for an improvement, even if only for a brief time.

Bella did eat today, but from a paper plate.  I don't know what the aversion to metal bowls is all about, but whatevah.  My girl ate!  :) 

Charlie is crazy and Austin smells.  I mean, in case anyone wanted an update on my other dogs.  I did take Charles out for a 2 mile walk and Austin will get a bath tomorrow.  My cats are great.  Mowgie is a pain, but she is still a sweet cat.  KC is becoming quite affectionate towards me and will even crawl under the covers like Rhaja used to.  Still, No one is Rhaja and no one ever can be.

I was asked today whose loss would hurt me the most.  Bella or Rhaja?  That is a tough one, as they both have been huge staples in my life.  Rhaja as my comfort and Bella as my rock. 

Uhh...I don't want to think about it anymore.  I still miss you Rhaja. 

Man's best friend?

What an understatement. 

I am getting really depressed.  Bella needed to be hand fed tonight.  That isn't good.  I want to talk to someone about her, but then again, I don't.  My Dad thinks he knows everything about her.  My Mom can't hear half of what I am trying to say and I don't want to bother my friends.  I know that is what friends are for, but they are all busy.  They have kids and jobs and I don't want to bother them all by crying.  I wish I could talk to M, but I can't do that either.  I just want to cry, cry and then cry some more.  I am not this strong person.  I might claim to be one, but I'm not.  I just want to lay on the floor, hold Bella and cry.   She has been so good to me. 

Oh my...what I am supposed to do?   When will I have to say goodbye?  What if I make it too soon?  What if I wait too long?  Will she tell me?  Will God tell me?  Is she telling me now?

Is this what we all go through? No wonder some people wait so long to euthanize their pets.  It seems so obvious to us, but they don't want to say goodbye.  She isn't going to the bathroom on herself.  She is getting up and moving around, but whatever.

Bella- We were supposed to have more time together.  You were supposed to teach Charlie your wise ways!  He was supposed to learn from the best dog ever.  Duh.  

I am going to take her to work with me tomorrow and have the vet look at her.  I will then report back to my family.  Should we have to make a decision, this weekend will not be a good one. I am going to a memorial for my Great Aunt and I refuse to be that sad.  I am already sad over my Aunt Imy and I can't deal with Bella at the same time.  Selfish, but I don't care. I will also ask for the vet to do this before or after office hours and I want to be off the next day. I want my whole family to attend and be with her.

I am very much attached to my pets.  Get over it.

How do you say goodbye to the best dog ever?

Is it even possible?  I have known for a few months that Bella would be gone, but I really second guessed the whole"months" part.  She has been doing so well for so long!  The past three days?  Well, I can really tell a difference.  Her eye is more droopy, she has a clogged nostril and her back legs are giving out on her.  She hasn't seemed too interested in her food and she isn't always at the door to greet me.  She always greets me.  Without Bella, I don't know what I will do.  She has been my strength for 8 years.  I have to be strong for her.  I can't let her live a sad life, but I selfishly want to keep her here.  I know it's not time right now, but I know that it's coming up so much closer than I want it to. With the way she has gone down, it might be weeks.  I have had months to prepare myself, but I'm just not ready.  I don't want her to suffer and I hope I will have the strength to do this.  It seems so much easier when it's someone else and someone else's dog.  This is MY dog.  My baby. I always write about what a great dog she is and always has been and she really has been.  She never ate my clothes or my shoes.  She only had accidents in the house when she was a puppy (and I was lazy).  She never just barked because she could.  She was easily crate trained and trained in general.  She was a great puppy that turned into the BEST dog.      

Why does someone want my pets?  Why do they have to be taken away from me?  I am not ready.  I guess I really lucked out with Rhaja.  She did live for a long time and I got to spend half of my life with her.  But Bella is only 8.  I missed the first 8 months and then, three years.  Stupid Florida. 

Pita was only 6.  We missed the first two years of her life.  She was taken way too early for sure.

Bella,

I love you.   I will make sure you have your diginity when you go and I will not let you suffer.  I promise you that.  You have given me unconditional love for 8 years and I will never forget that.  You have set a really high standard.  :)

Love,
Momma

If you want to sleep on my bed...

Dear Charlie,

I realize that you enjoy sleeping on my bed, but you need to start abiding by my rules.  After all, it's my bed.

1. I get most of the space, not you.

2. If I push you to move, you don't push me back.

3. No jumping on me to get KC in the middle of the night

4. YOU CAN'T EAT THE BEDDING!

5.  Marshall and Mr. Buttons aren't your toys. 

Thank you. 

Love,
Mom

Bella, Bella, Bella

I thought losing Pita was rough. Then I lost Rhaja. Now, I have found out that my Bella has a trigeminal nerve root tumor.

The Vet has given her months.

Months. How many months? Are we thinking short term disability? A car loan? I am thinking optimistically. So, it's most likely 480 months, right??

I lost Pita suddenly, but I was able to say goodbye. I lost Rhaja when I was gone and never had the chance to say goodbye. I have decided that having more notice is so much better. I get to tell Bella every single day just how much I love her. I give her steak, fries, ice cream and anything else I want. She has no idea what is going on, but she sure loves being spoiled.

Bella has been my favorite dog. Ever. No offense Austin, Charlie, Pita or anyone else. Bella is just so special to me. She was MY first dog. I got her after breaking up with my high school sweetheart. She is the best and I trust her with my life. I don't know how I will make it without her.

I got Bella on December 24, 2002. Someone needed to find a home or an 8 month old Rottweiler. Without thinking, I said I would take her. I ran out, bought a leash, collar and other dog supplies then drove out to Kansas to rescue my girl. We bonded within minutes.

Bella has been my rock, my strength and my angel. She is always there to cuddle, there to protect me and make sure I am safe. She sleeps on me or next to my bed if it's warm outside. She waits outside the bathroom door and never fails to greet me at the front door.

I am heartbroken. Even when I lived away in Florida for three years, her devotion never once waivered. I will never find another girl like my Bella. Every day I get with her is a gift.

Training and neutering

I can't wait to get Charlie into training classes. CAN.NOT.WAIT! He pulls like crazy. I have been debating on the choke chains, pinch collars and gentle leaders. I have read up on them, researched and I think I might try the gentle leader first. It seems less painful and I am not really a fan of choke chains. I just need a well trained pup. He can sit and wait, come when called and that is about it. I am working with him, but I don't have a lot of patience, so I kind of suck.

I also redid a fecal on Charlie and he only came back Elisa positive for Giardia. Considering when we found him he had hookworms, roundworms and giardia, I was very happy. Why so happy? Well, one) I don't want to get any intestinal parasites and two) he can now be neutered! Yes! I am all for spaying and neutering. I don't need floppy dog balls or crazy stray pets anywhere.

Two for one

*Not animal related* :)

While I am on here, I am thinking about moving. Where? I don't know. So, many places. I have several states to choose from... :)

I am single and I really like it. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and I love it! Looking back, I feel like I was held back. M was a home body and at the time, it was OK. I loved being with just him. It was all I needed because I loved him and he made my life great by loving me back. I have realized that I lived my life for him and he was (obviously) fine with it. *I know he may have given up a lot for me, too. I don't want this to seem like I never did anything wrong. Two way street. Trust me.*

Anyway, I didn't realize what I gave up, until now. I love playing sports, being outdoors, hanging out with my friends and just LIVING! I am no party animal, really. It may seem like it, but I am really not. I like staying home and reading a book and snuggling next to my furbabies, but I love to be outside. I love camping, riding my bike, walking the dogs, running (really short distances), lounging at the pool, hiking, fishing and just being alive. I love to spend time with my family, my friends, drinking a few beers or a bottle of wine and being goofy. I do love a great party and dancing it up once in awhile.

I love taking mini-vacations. In fact, I am planning more road trips with some friends this summer.

Now, back to moving. I don't think I will be ready for another couple of years. Bella just turned 8 and I don't know how much time I have with her. She is a large breed dog and they don't live as long. It could be 2 years or (with any luck) 5 years. I also still share custody of my Austin. I am not sure how long we can continue this, but right now, it's working. Austin seems to be happy. :)

I could move to Texas, Colorado, North or South Carolina, back to Florida or anywhere! I am feeling a little trapped here. I love my family (oh, how I love them!) and I love my friends, but I am just not fulfilled. I don't know if a move would make that happen. I don't know what would, to be honest. I am working on what I can to better myself. My budget is a work in progress, but whatever. It's not impossible.

This year is the year of the Tiger. My nickname? Tigers. My favorite animal? Tiger. Hello? It's a sign!

I have goals this year. I am going to go to more concerts (budget permitting), take small, cheap roadtrips with my friends, spend more time with my friends, read more, learn spanish (HA!) and focus on me! I do love myself. :) I am even going on my first vacation in THREE years! It's a small one and with my family, but it's a vacation! I have gift cards for massages, manicures and pedicures and I fully intend to use them. I am walking daily with Charlie and when I do that, I have my music and I can just focus on myself. I reflect on my day, my life and my future.

I just feel so alive this year. I don't know what the change was and I do, in fact, still have my down days, but I just want to be happy. Everyone has the choice. You can be happy and smile when you get those lemons or you can be downright pissy and not only ruin your day, but those around you. I know those people. SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!

I have a life to live and a life to enjoy. Things didn't work out for me like I planned, but it's those mistakes that made me truly appreciate the second chance I have.

Another sign? The Soup Dragons just came on the radio station. The song? I'm free!

Let's catch up for lost time, shall we?

First off, this blog is pretty lame. Second, I don't care. Third, um.. well, I got a new puppy.

Actually, my parents were driving down this street and saw this adorable pup dodging cars and people. He saw my Dad and sat and waited for him. Hello?? How do you turn him away? Just look at him-

Well, it turns out that he has bonded with me. He follows me everywhere and I love it! He has so much energy, so we go on walks everyday and I hope that one day he will run with me. He is really sweet, but kind of annoying. He IS a puppy. Anyway, if you are keeping track, I now have three dogs and two cats. :) I can't wait to take him to the dog parks! He will have so much fun!

If you want to date me, you really have to love animals! I do not plan on getting anymore dogs or cats. I do want another guinea pig, but I am holding off on that.....for now.

Anyway, Charlie is the new pups name. I now have A, B and C. My parents do have a point that once I move, I can't take Bella. No apartment will allow a Rottweiler (SO STUPID), but many will take a large dog. I am thinking that Charlie was just a large puppy. When we found him, he still had puppy teeth and he weighed about 45lbs. It is about a month later and he is around 50. I don't think he will get any larger than 60. Which is fine with me! I have my large dog, 95lbs and my small dog, 11.5lbs and now my medium dog.

I feel so blessed to have these wonderful creatures in my life. They all love me and guard me to the best of their abilities. When I go to the bathroom, Austin is in with me, while Bella and Charlie are standing guard outside the door. It's silly, but I love them for it. If I am alone in the car and not paying attention to the world around me, they never hesitate to let me know "danger" could be approaching. Bella will stand over me and guard me with her life. She has done that since day one. I really lucked out with her. She was free, too. Best.dog.ever.

Anyway, Charlie has really helped me to be more active. If I don't walk him, he goes crazy! He needs that workout. I always wanted a black lab and now I have one for free. Well, a shepherd/lab mix. I am also happy to report that I am down 4lbs. :)

Also, I keep seeing Rhaja. I feel like it's her way of telling me that she still looks after me. I woke up in the middle of the night a few months ago and I could SWEAR she was on my desk sitting there just staring at me like she used to. I woke up real fast and said, "RHAJA?", then I turned on the light and gone. I sat there and cried.
Then two days ago, I went to my dark bedroom and saw her on my bed, turned on my light and it was a pair of pants. I know, I know....I am weird. I don't care. Bella and Rhaja are/were very special to me. Rhaja because she got me through the hardest times of my life. She got me through high school, she got me through a bad break-up with a jerk of a boyfriend, she got me through the break of my high school sweetheart and first love, my move out of the house, my move to florida, my move back, my separation and well, she was just there for me. She was the best cat I could have ever had. She sat and cuddled with me when I would cry and cry. Her love never stopped.

I always refer to Bella as my Angel. She is my strong, dependable, devoted dog. She guards me, cuddles with me and even when I was gone for three years, her devotion to me never changed. She knows I am her master and would do anything for me. She was my strength when my marriage was failing. She never left my side. I am just upset that I lost three years with her.

Well, hindsight is 20/20 and since I don't have a time machine, I can't change anything.